A story from my cousin Joe.
Joe and his wife, Tish, were arguing in the grocery store about toilet paper. They were overheard by another customer. He said they should find something better to argue about. Joe told him they would, they wanted to start with something simple and work their way up. They had only been married for 2 weeks!
Reader Yvonne writes: On my youngest son's first day of kindergarten he came home in a excited mood (glad to be home)We asked how he liked school and he said "Its was alright, but not something I want to do everyday."
Kids say the funniest things:
A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A Jolly Rancher
A mother snake and her son were out for a stroll when the little one asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"
"Why, yes we are," answered the mommy.
Looking perplexed, little snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes, we are very poisonous."
The baby snake became very upset. "Are we really really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!!!"
This story comes to me from Sunny Stiner. She wrote the article many years ago for her local paper and I loved it so much I had to put it here. I know you’ll get a chuckle out of this one.
Thanksgiving is now behind me...in more ways than one. Thanksgiving can sometimes be like ‘good news...bad news.’ The good news is that I have my whole family there...the bad news is I do the majority of the cooking.
My first mistake was the turkey. Not the one I cooked...the one I married. I sent him to pick out the turkey and he brought one home that would have made the White House bird look like an anorexic sparrow. And as all turkeys are, it was frozen solid. I thought I had allowed enough time for it to thaw out, but that was my second mistake. I arose on Thanksgiving morning before the sun did and discovered the turkey, which I had name “Titanic” was still partially frozen. Maybe he had had an encounter with an iceberg, too.
Anyway, everything went pretty good until it came time to remove the giblets. I pulled and pulled everyway I knew how until the poor bird started doing calisthenics in an attempt to warm up, hoping it would help. The giblets still refused to budge.
Finally, I decided it was going to take more strength than I possessed and got brave enough to go in and wake my husband.
“Honey,” I said quietly, as I gave him a few soft nudges. “Can you get up and come help me? My giblets are frozen solid.”
He just laid there for a minute, pulled the covers over his head and replied sleepily, “Well, go call your mom. She always knows what to do when you’re sick.”
After convincing him that in a few hours, there was going to be about 20 people there, expecting a basted bird instead of a cold carcass, he reluctantly got up and followed me into the kitchen.
“All you have to do is just reach in there and pull ‘em out,” he said impatiently.
“Go ahead,” I said, encouragingly.
After about 5 minutes of ‘pull,’ but not ‘out,’ he told me to get him a warm washrag. His hand was freezing. I got the washrag, he wrapped it round his hand, and tried again to ‘just pull ‘em out’ About that time, our 5 year old daughter, Amy, walked in.
“Why is daddy giving that turkey a bath?” she asked curiously. “He’s not going anywhere.”
“He’s not giving him a bath,” I replied. “He’s just trying to get the giblets out of the turkey’s cavity.”
“Why don’t he just take him to the dentist,” she replied innocently.
“Hmm,” I told my husband. “Maybe that’s an idea...we could get a pair of pliers, both hold and pull as hard as we can, and surely, the giblets will give.”
We laid the turkey on the cabinet, both took hold of the pliers, and pulled like crazy, which we just about were at that point. The pliers slipped, so did the bird, and went soaring across the room, barely missing my wall mirror. First time I ever saw a dead turkey fly.
“Look,” my husband said, even more impatiently than he did was I first woke him up. “What would happen if you just cooked the turkey and left the giblets in there?”
“Do I have a choice?” I inquired. I could tell by the look on his face that I didn’t. So, I gave the turkey another bath, even though he still wasn’t going anywhere except the oven, and prayed that there was no unknown bacteria you could get from not removing the giblets. And amazingly enough, everyone bragged on how delicious, and especially, how juicy the turkey was. The only person that said anything was my sister.
“You know, Sunny,” she said sweetly, “This turkey really is good...but every once in a while, I keep getting this strange taste in my mouth like I’m chewing paper.”
“I just smiled and thanked her for the compliment. Oh, well, you know the old saying...what you don’t know won’t hurt you, and thank goodness, it didn’t.
Sunny Stiner
Proverbs 17:22 (King James Version)
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said sharply, "Johnny! What is 10, 12, 3 and 63?" Little Johnny smiled and sat up straight. “That’s easy."
"It’s ABC, CBS, NBC and the Cartoon Network."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches a loan officer. He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000."
The woman asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that the loan will be OK because he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that he will need to secure some collateral against such a sizable loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. "I have this."
Confused and suspicious, Patti takes the pig and explains that she'll have to consult with the manager. She then disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"What in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?'
Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'
For all you farmers out there.
Why are John Deere tractors painted green?
So they can hide in the grass when an International goes by.
